Powerless- For those who have experienced sexual abuse

Powerless

I was asleep. With alcohol on your breath, you scared me awake.

I was powerless.

You were more than twice my size. I was twelve.

I was powerless.

I saw you in church twice a week. Youth group. Worship. Church was supposed to be safe. Holy.

I was powerless.

I babysat your sons. You scared me awake. You stunk. You hurt me. Over and over.

I was powerless.

Confusion. Silence. Fear. You used all these things. Your power.

Your power took away my being. Your power destroyed my security.

I was powerless.

I went through more trauma. Another abuser. Deep pain. Crisis of my body and soul. In silence.

Silence never heals. Silence hurts from the inside. Silence hovers in the darkness.

Words bring power to silence.

I spoke. Words poured out. Someone listened. Someone asked questions. Someone listened again and again and again. I grew up.

A trickle of strength wiped away confusion.

A supportive ear brought truth to light.

Insecurity was still my only dress. Shame and guilt clung to my spirit.

Being powerless is heavy. It’s hard to breathe. It’s hard to walk.

Deep breath. One foot in front of the other.

Power.

Words. Support. Air. Breath. New paths.

Power.

I can say yes. I can say no.

Power.

I love my body and love that it is loved.

Power.

My spirit has been restored and renewed.

I can listen to other stories. I can cry with another. I can remind a friend to breathe air that has no stench. I can help another find security to wear – new clothes of wholeness and light, and yes, holiness. We will throw away shame and guilt. Too heavy. They don’t fit. We never should have had them wrapped around us. We can put one foot in front of the other. Together.

Power.

Those who took away our being have lost. They are…

Powerless.

They are ghosts. We won’t be harmed. They are…

Powerless.

Because we breathe fresh air, and put one foot in front of the other, and find love and acceptance, they are…

Powerless.

We choose to take back every ounce of our power.

Those who tried to destroy us, they are…

Powerless.

POWERLESS.